At Long Last, A Sexy Accountant!

Accountants have not been treated well by Hollywood.  (I don't need to perpetuate the stereotype here.  Even non-accountants know what I'm talking about.)  So, it was good to see that the Toronto International Film Festival has a film about an accountant on a sexual adventure.  Here's the summary (with thanks to the Globe and Mail):

Jonas Chernick plays Jordan Abrams, a sexually inept accountant/dweeb from Winnipeg who, after getting the heave-ho from his long-time girlfriend (Sarah Manninen), flies to Toronto where he eventually meets Julia (Emily Hampshire), a stripper/lap dancer with a heart of gold, a mountain of debt and culinary ambitions.

Er . . . never mind.

Dear Donut

Dear Donut,

Our relationship goes back a long way. I feel like you’ve become a big part of me. You used to be such a treat, but now, I fear you’ve become a bad habit. Three-thirty in the afternoon rolls around and suddenly you’re there, demanding my attention. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I don’t know how to say this without hurting your feelings, but let’s face it. You lied to me. You were supposed to be a snack, a burst of energy, a friend to carry me through until dinner. But that’s not what happened. Sure, the anticipation of meeting you was exquisite. Your softness against my lips. Your sweet taste . . .

But I digress. The sad thing was that after all that foreplay, you didn’t hold up your end of the bargain. After you were gone, I felt tired, not energized. In fact, worse than if I hadn’t had you at all. I put up with it for a while, but it has gone too far. This relationship has to end.

I’m sorry if I’ve never mentioned this before. I know you mean well. I appreciate the kind thought, but no, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. No, another layer of frosting isn’t going to make a difference. Really. Yes, a fruit filling might make you more romantic, but that just doesn’t deal with the issue. We just weren’t made for each other.

Well, I wasn’t going to mention this to you, but yes, there is someone else. She’s from a different country. No, not Danish! She goes down smooth and gives me lasting energy. No, this isn’t about liking salty more than sweet. Besides, she’s a lot less salty now, more earthy, I’d say. She’s a vegetable juice.

No need to get personal! Vegetables may not be sexy, but they’re smart, and I have come to appreciate how much I like that. You know, I thought you would be a difficult habit to give up, but it turned out that you were easy to replace with something smart.

Look, let’s not part as enemies. You’re sweet. You’re fun, particularly when you’re fresh. And we have known each other a long time. Can't we just be friends?


Bill

Energized Accounting Graduate

This posting appeared in craigslist: http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/res/1424093814.html

Hard Working Energized Accounting Graduate seeking employment (all of GTA)

I just want to say that while I am actively encouraging energized accounting, I haven't actually graduated anyone in this field. It is, however, wonderful to see others using the term Energized when describing accounting!

Accounting's Patron Saint

Here's the official patron saint of accounting, Saint Matthew:

"The patron saint of accountants, bankers, bookkeepers, security guards and tax collectors is Saint Matthew of Apostle fame, and he also was the author of one of the Gospels. Before becoming an Apostle, however, he started out as a Jewish tax collector at Capernaum. Little is known about him, outside the seven references he has in the Gospels. In medieval art, Saint Matthew is represented under the symbol of a winged man, carrying in his hand a lance as a characteristic emblem - his artistic calling card if you will. He is one of the originals in the pantheon of patron saints."

Okay, that's the official line. My nominee for the patron saint of accounting would be Cassandra from ancient Greek mythology (and not just because she's both smart and beautiful). She was the one who was condemned by Apollo to be able to see the future but have nobody believe her. She warned Paris that he was courting disaster when he went after Helen. She later warned the Trojans about the Greeks' horse statue, but do you think anyone listened?

Honestly, do you sometimes feel that way? I thought so.

I was accused of exceeding my mandate the other day because I recommended a strategic course of action. According to this person, my role as accountant is only to give the financial picture. I am supposed to tell people what the cost consequences of their decisions are, but not recommend a course of action. Now, I want to make it clear that this person is not my boss, nor did he represent a majority. Still, do you think he was right?

As accountants, are we just supposed to analyze the situation and nothing more? Do we destroy our objectivity or independence if we make specific recommendations? If you see a solution to a financial problem, should you wait for others to fix it or should you step in boldly and argue for your vision? Or are we condemned, like Cassandra, not to be believed?

Lock 'em Up and Throw Away the Key

Today's Globe and Mail newspaper had an article about a woman who clearly needed to be taught a lesson that would serve as a deterrent to others:

Bela Kosoian, a 38-year-old mother of two, says when she didn't hold the handrail [on the transit escalator] Wednesday, she was cuffed, dragged into a small holding cell and fined.

Okay, if the police are going to arrest people for that kind of violation, I have a few other transgressions that deserve their attention.

1. Accountants who cram too many columns of numbers onto one page. You know the ones I mean. They put the monthly actual, budget, last year month, budget variance, and last year month variance on the left side of the report, then the year to date actual, budget, last year, budget variance, last year variance and full year budget on the right side, making the font so small you need an electron microscope to see the numbers let alone make sense of them. Book 'em Danno.
2. Blaming the new system. The new computer has been blamed so many times for so many things, that I'm not buying that excuse any more. If you can't get your computer system to work, send me a manual payment. I'm not that picky, really.
   
3. Balanced with a difference. As Yoda says, "Balanced you are or unbalanced you are. There is no balanced with a difference." Take away their bookkeeping license!
4. Oh, I forgot to give you this last receipt. Everyone who prepares personal tax returns knows this miscreant, the person who lets you do all your work on their return only to come to you at the last minute with a piece of paper to add to the shoebox of forms they already dumped on you. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
   
5. I just want to push a button and . . . This one's personal. I hate it when people oversimplify their reporting needs and assume that the system is designed to give them exactly what they need at the proverbial push of a button. We recommend the maximum penalty the law allows your honor.
6. It's immaterial. Auditors can say, "It's immaterial" all they like. That's music to my ears because it means I can stop working on that issue. But when anyone else hides behind materiality, they should be cuffed and jailed. If it isn't right, it's wrong. Off with their heads!
   
7. Blame the budget. If an expense is over budget or a revenue doesn't come in as planned, it's pointless to say the budget was wrong. You had your chance at budget time. Now it's "fixing the problem" time, so get out there and do it!
8. Put down the client. If a client complains, you should get down on your knees and thank them for the opportunity to serve them better. Most clients don't complain. They just take their business elsewhere. Officer, arrest this accountant!
   
9. Incomprehensible gobbledygook. Arguably, communication is half of the job of an accountant. Financial analysts who fill their reports with talk of accruals and negative variances being partially offset by timing differences deserve to be led off in chains.
   
10. Excel sins. They should reopen Alcatraz for people who:

• Override the formula in a long column of calculations,
• Change standard templates, such as budget or expense forms,
  
• Type in the totals instead of calculating them,
• Insert blank lines and columns into a table - you can make it readable without making it unsortable,
• Allow different, incompatible versions of a spreadsheet float around,
• Type numbers into cells without leaving any trail for others to follow, and
  
• Forget to round their formula results so that their totals don't add.

What other indictable crimes do you know? Please use the comments below so I can pass them onto the authorities. They clearly have the time!